I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
