dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
