farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
