Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
