i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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