I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
