I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
