I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize