I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
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