I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
People in love make me want to vomit
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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