I think I won the penis lottery.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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