Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
