I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
