Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I just found a bag of teeth...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
