dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
