made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
