She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
