i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
