I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
