i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
