My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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