Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Sorry about my life...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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