I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
