I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You're a waste of cheezeits
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
