when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
