Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
