I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
