Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
