Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
