If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize