I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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