i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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