you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
home. puking in laundry basket.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
