haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
