dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
