I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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