She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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