I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
