remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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