Kiss
Puke
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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