I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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