TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
