He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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