I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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