I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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