I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Randomize
