my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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