Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
