You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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