Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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