I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize