dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
