Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I wish there were birth control emojis
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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