By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
