god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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