Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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