captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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