Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
