Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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