I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
